| lovelyrealidad

I’m tired of laying in my bed watching Youtube videos of lives I wish I had.

Everything is a dream. Nothing feels in reach.

Work hours are too long. My child is getting too old.

This cycle of nothingness cannot continue.

ideas of what would make me a healthier person:

| lovelyrealidad
  • waking up earlier
  • going to gym
  • making a warm breakfast (instead of the generic bowl of cereal for President)
  • focusing strictly on work related things while at work (no gossip, religion, politic talk.. etc)
  • going to the park and library weekly…
  • connect with my spirituality
  • buying lamps so I can read before bedtime (I really don’t like reading with the bedroom light at night)
  • being a bit more mysterious, keep more to myself\

I love.

| lovelyrealidad

I was going to start this post with “I love…” but exploring and thinking about myself, mentally and emotionally, has made me realize that I have forfeited my right to say that I love.  I know who and what I should love. I just don’t know how to practice love.  When did I ever learn to love myself so I could love others?

I mean love is a verb. An action. What do I do for others? 

I need a solution.

Have I not been called selfish numerous amount of times? Have I not created the biggest mess between myself and my family?

Root of my depression/ Recovery

| lovelyrealidad

Thanksgiving was okay. I visited family. My husband’s grandmother and my mum.

I never regret leaving the house when I’m finally strong enough to do so.

Oh. I was bold. I wore black eyeliner and red lipstick. Ha! Red!!! I looked good. I felt good. I ate and gave no fucks about impressing anyone. I’m just trying to raise my self-esteem. I’ve been in a shell for over a year now and I think it’s time for me to become who I was before the depression and anxiety attacks, constant anger. I am working towards forgiving myself for all the relationships I’ve ruined in the past few years. I am fighting depression head on by committing myself to take care of myself, go to the gym, and eat healthy. It’s not going to be easy because I’m broke but I am on the right path here.

I am trying to lose 25 lbs (1.78 stones ?) by my birthday on February 1st. I see myself wearing a long pantsuit, all white, because I can’t stop thinking about Solange’s wedding outfit. I want to go out to dinner with my husband and friends, then to a club. I want to dance and enjoy myself. I can do it! I can’t stop thinking about the fact that if I take care of myself I will be strong enough to face  people and make friendships. When I think of the root of my depression it always comes back tome hating the way I look, the way I think, and what I do. All things that I can control… positively. The laziness and procrastination has to come to an end. I can’t turn 25 hating myself. I am changing everything I can change and dislike.

Yesterday I was comfortable with myself and that happened to include: heels, a nice blazer, perfect hair, and red lips.

So yeah, we can say that not taking care of myself and having no self-esteem is causing me a bunch of problems. Being a pretty girl is something I miss.

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I didn’t look like a depressed girl at all, did I?